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The Direct Approach to Kinky Fulfillment

Cucumbers with Condoms

I’ll never forget the day that my ex-girlfriend told me someone had put a cucumber up her ass. It was some dude who picked her up at the bus stop and seduced her into coming home with him. On the way home, he insisted on stopping at the supermarket to buy a cucumber.

“I’m going to put it in your ass while I fuck you,” he told her.

Needless to say, our relationship had already reached a point of severe disarray before this incident, but her disclosure about it certainly didn’t help me. The main question I wish to explore in this post is: What precisely are the steps a man needs to take in order to convince a woman he just met to put a cucumber, or any vegetable really, in her ass?

In my opinion, the answer is simply gumption. We already know that the line between a thing being perverted and disgusting, or a thing being a huge turn-on or turn-off, is entirely related to how attracted a lady feels toward the fellow making the request.

So, if an ugly man with a lack of confidence asks, he will be rejected and possibly even charged with some kind of crime. If an attractive and confident man makes the request, he will in no short order, be shoving a cucumber up a lady’s ass. I don’t mean to beleaguer this particular point, it is only to say that people, in the process of trying to get laid, often spend way too much time dancing around the topic when a direct approach will work much better.

This said, sometimes the direct approach can get you put in prison. It is pretty hard to know.

The cucumber itself is a fascinating object, and I suspect that the long and thick English cucumber was specifically honed over generations of genetic selection to be the perfect object to slide up somebody’s ass as a simulation of a superbly enormous cock. This was before the invention of plastic, or the rise of Amazonil, so people didn’t have much of a recourse at the time.

There were wood dildos, but nobody wants those splinters… and few people could afford the ivory ones. There might have been lead ones, but people who use lead dildos are not what you’d call repeat customers—they would all die too soon!

Anyhow, I had to break up with that lady who took the cucumber up her ass. Our relationship was too far gone. It was a strange messy mix of being turned on by the fact that she had done this, and dismay that I had been made into such a chump by some dude at a bus stop. I suppose a further layer of implication might be that I hadn’t had the gumption to bring up the cucumber. Sometimes a lady wants a guy who is a bit forward with his dirtiness.

I know that my inappropriate requests were what attracted her to me in the first place. Then I got soft-hearted, kid-gloved, hah! Fuck healthy eating, baby.

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

devinc.ru is the blog for men and women into BDSM, bondage, fetishes, and dating. We post tips and advice for those interested in meeting other kinky singles with online dating, or anyone who wants to spice up their relationship. Enter the world of Kink Lovers with exclusive articles, polls, site reviews, reader stories and more. If you would like to subscribe to our blog updates which are sent only twice monthly, please subscribe to our newsletter using the form above.

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